Death Wish
by moodiful819
Summary: You love me. I love you. And it is my fondest wish that you hate me. [Hate Me songfic. Character death. M for gore. Sasusaku]


After a bunch of Kakasaku and KakaOc, I'm going back to my original favorite pairing (before I discovered Kakasaku). This was something I thought up around the same time as Fix You. It was a few weeks after the video debuted and now that I'm a hardcore Blue October fan (still waiting to get out of the house to go CD hunting), I wanted to write this while I'm still in my emo mood. This will involve character death, angst, suicide, and other things. Also, the song has been slightly altered. Blue has been changed to green.

Though the countless times I've been told that suicide is stupid have not sunken in, I'm here to tell you that suicide is not the answer. If you are thinking about it, it's not worth it and no matter what you think, there are people who will miss you.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Blue October._

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In the dim light of the grey afternoon that trickled through the curtained window, a door was opened and a dark-haired stranger entered. Closing the apartment door behind him, he placed his keys into the key bowl and placed his mail on the small table against the wall before sitting down.

The apartment was small. It was actually quite large seeing how he had his own bathroom, kitchen, and his bedroom and living room were separate, but to him it was small. The apartment could never compare to his old home, but the Uchiha compound had long been closed down, many of the buildings decrepit and having fallen into disrepair and the garden his mother had slaved in for years nothing more than a field of weeds and barren soil. Compared to the old home that haunted his memories and warmed his heart, the cold apartment was small.

He sifted through the many envelopes in his hand and sighed before reaching past a photo and pressing his answering machine.

"_Hey Sasuke, it's me, Sakura. Listen, I know you probably think I'm overreacting, but you seemed a bit more…depressed when we talked on the phone last time. Are you alright? Are you sick? Well, if you are under the weather, don't push yourself too hard training. You know I love you. Bye!"_

After the message was done, he walked over to the kitchen countertop and grabbed an envelope and a kunai. He looked at it. It was like any other kunai: black metal, heavy, but not so heavy that it couldn't function, and a wrapped handle, but it was special. It was a birthday present he got when he was still a genin. Naruto, Kakashi, and Sakura had all chipped in to get it for him. His name was engraved in it.

He smiled fondly at it as he traced the characters of his name and with a fluid movement, slit both his wrists.

The blood gushed freely, spilling down his alabaster arms onto his hardwood floor. He was losing blood faster than expected. He chuckled and fell forward, his arms slamming against the walls as he braced himself. The once white walls of the apartment were now sprayed red with his blood.

Dizzy. He felt dizzy, disoriented. He placed his hand on the countertop and stumbled as his hand slipped off, the appendage slick with his ruby-colored essence. He fell and groaned as he rolled himself from his side onto his back.

Fighting the darkness that threatened to cloud his vision, he reached up for the letter. He smiled and when he opened his eyes, he was blind. _'Oh well,'_ he thought carelessly. He lay back down and rested his hands over his stomach with the letter, careful not to smear any of his blood on the parchment. He knew it by heart. Just then, an image of her wrestled itself into his mind and he blocked it out as he recited the letter to himself and felt the blood soak into his clothes and onto his skin.

_Ino, I'm glad to hear you and Chouji were getting married. I would've never believed it when we were kids, seeing how shallow you were, but I'm glad you've changed and I'm glad you've found someone for you._

_Shikamaru, I'm glad to hear you and Temari are finally together. I'm truly happy for you. I hope you can help Sand prosper and I hope Gaara and Matsuri do well too. Give them my fond wishes._

_Neji, I know, you disliked me as much I disliked you, but times have changed and I realize, you were a loyal friend. I'm sorry we couldn't have built upon that friendship, but I hope you accept my congratulations for your recent engagement to Tenten._

_Lee, you are truly a great man. As strange as you were, you were a true rival. I am happy to have had a chance to meet you._

_Hinata, I wish you well when you get married to the dobe. It's hard to believe that you were the same shy stuttering girl from our genin days. Though I didn't get to know you until recently, I know you are the one for Naruto. Be patient with him. He loves you, but he has trouble saying it. Take care of the others, but most importantly, take care of him for me._

_Kakashi, you were right. Revenge didn't make me happy. It made me miserable and I missed out on so much. I missed out on seeing the dobe and Sakura grow stronger. I missed out on so many things and I regret it all. Is this what you feel? The need to right every wrong? I'll never understand why you thought you and me were the same. Maybe at one point, but we weren't. You were better. You were right, but I ignored you for power and I regret everything. I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for ignoring all you taught us. If I could turn back time, I'd want you to be my teacher. I wish I could have made you proud of me. I really do, but I can't turn back time and so, I offer my deepest regrets and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. As a last request, I beg you to take care of Sakura for me._

_Naruto, I'm sorry for acting like an asshole all these years. You didn't have to believe in me, but you did, even when I didn't. I'm grateful, but I'm also guilt-ridden. I should've treated you better. You were my best friend and you were the closest thing I had to a brother since Itachi killed our family. You were right and it kills me everyday that you were. We were the same. We were the same kind of lonely and you were stronger, but I didn't want to believe it and look where you are. Even if I never said it, I knew you'd become Hokage and I'll be watching you from where ever I end up. Take care of Sakura for me._

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that want this space  
_

_Sakura, what can I say to you? I guess a lot of things since I never told you most of them. First off, arigatou. Though I know the pain I caused you the first time I said these words, I'd like to you to know that I hadn't meant for those words to spite you. Just as I am now, I'm thanking you for being you. You cared enough about me to try and stop me from leaving. You were even going to betray the village if it meant you could come with me. I was thanking you for loving me. I hadn't had love for such a long time, but at the time, it wasn't that I didn't want to return your feelings, I just couldn't. If I did, it would mean Itachi would come back and kill you. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you that I loved you if it meant that it would put you in harm's way. _

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_I think when we were kids, you were probably the least annoying girl I knew. You certainly didn't harass me on a daily basis and I didn't mind your company and though you said those callous words, you didn't know what you were talking about and I forgave you later that day._

_You were weak, showing your emotions constantly and crying at the drop of a hat. I hated and loved that about you. I envied your ability to show your emotions so easily and I loved that you could care so much. If I remember correctly, many of those times, you were crying for me. Not out of pity, but you wept in place of me. You wept for my sadness and my fear. Maybe that's when I first fell for you. That day on the bridge when you thought I was dead and you cried for me. It's one of the memories I treasure, but I hurt you so badly afterwards. Those days I called you weak, those days I called you annoying, the day I left you and our home. I hurt you so badly, but you never gave up. Though I know your reasons, I still have to wonder why you stuck by my side._

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

_After I came back from killing my brother, it was you that stopped me from drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Though up until this moment, I still had cravings for it. I missed it. The taste, the burn, how it dulled the pain of another day of living-I missed it all dearly, but I would remember the things I did to you. When I was drunk, we'd fight and we'd both say awful things. You left me three times because of that, but it was you that helped me with this problem. You were always so caring. Even if we fought, you'd come back and you'd hold my hair back as I threw up. _

_Though I missed the drink, I'd miss you more and I'd remember how you helped me and I would stay sober for another day. I owe it all to you, Sakura-chan. When I'd wake up screaming and start to tear up the apartment, you would always hold me and tell me everything was alright. Even if I told you how much I hated myself, all my flaws, all my imperfections, you still found things in me to love. And you never forced me to love myself, you accepted me for who I was and I thank you for it. _

_You showed me it was possible to love myself, but I was too far gone, Sakura. Not even you could save me from what I was to become. I'm a monster. You tried so hard for me when I wouldn't even try. We were fooling ourselves, Sakura. I could never be saved. I can only destroy. _

_What I did-what I am doing, is saving you from heartache. I don't want you to have to bear my cross anymore. It's mine and I don't want you to suffer for me._

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_Sakura, I want you to forget about me. Forget you ever loved me, forget I ever existed. I want you to hate me, loathe me with every fiber of your being. Hate me, so you can move on. I want you to hate me, Sakura. I want you to hate me, so you can finally see that I'm no good for you. That you deserve better than me. _

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your green eyes crying and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

_I know. This is a sick way to thank you for all you've done for me, but it's the only way I know how. I can't do this anymore, Sakura. I can't watch you suffer for my sake. I don't want you to sacrifice your happiness for mine. I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want to hear you laugh. I want to see you happy. I want to see you smile like I remember you doing. _

_And so, I write this with a heavy heart. Hate me, Sakura. Hate me so much that the sound of my name makes you want to boil me alive. Don't feel sad, don't feel guilty, just hate me, Sakura. I've made too many mistakes to deserve you, too many regrets and too many sins that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. Hate me for them. Hate me for my flaws and hate me for my perfections. Loathe me and forget me so you can finally get the man I know you deserve. Someone that can openly say he loves you, that won't hurt you, and someone who can make you smile. _

_I know. I know I shouldn't write this, but I want to tell you something before I die. I love you, Haruno Sakura. I love you. _

_And so, forget regret. Forget your regrets and mine and hate me. Hate me for being greedy. Hate me for being selfish. Hate me for killing myself, hate me for anything, but just hate me._

_Sasuke"_

Sakura gripped the folded letter in her hand, hot tears streaming down her face as the rain drenched her skin and froze her fingers. The dirt she knelt on was slowly becoming mud and soaking into her black dress, but she couldn't care. She couldn't believe it.

"How could you do this to me?" she asked in low whisper. Whether it was to him or to herself, she did not know.

She sniffled beneath an old tree in the cemetery at the Uchiha compound. The rain beat down heavily on her back. It had not stopped raining since it started at his funeral. Sasuke's funeral. His funeral. He was dead. Sasuke was really dead.

"_WHY?!_" she screamed, throwing herself against his gravestone as her hands groped the cold rock through the slightly damp parchment of the letter and her shoulders shook with her sobs.

There was no response. Just the faint sound of breathing from Naruto and Kakashi and the bitter wind blowing through the trees.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_


End file.
